As much as my books and blog posts largely focus on how to be the ultimate relationship partner, I get asked by men on a daily basis how to meet and attract a quality relationship in the first place.
Without further ado, here is what I have learned through 15 years of serial monogamy. While getting into a relationship may be relatively easy, it’s important to know how to get into a relationship that energizes you, with a partner that you are excited about, as opposed to someone who depletes your energy.
Step 1 – Sort Your Life Out
The first question I ask my clients when they tell me that they want to be in a relationship is “How happy are you with your life right now?” More often than not, they aren’t overly ecstatic about their overall life. Their work life is doing alright, their fitness could be better, and they wish they had a girlfriend to come home to.
So I’ll tell you what I tell them… it is absolutely essential that you build a happy single life first.
If you’re living a life that you aren’t overjoyed with or proud of, and you feel like you aren’t living at your full capacity, then you will generally only be able to attract a partner who is similarly unbalanced in their own life.
In my opinion, the two biggest areas of dissatisfaction that affect other areas of your life via a trickle down effect are your health and your financial life. If either of these is out of whack, then it can negatively affect multiple areas of your life and bring you down.
If you feel sluggish, tired, and your body is in anything but a pain-free state, you need to address this as soon as possible.
While being far from a specialist, through working with a few high level coaches and mentors over the past year in the realms of fitness and nutrition, I can honestly say that I have never been in better shape and my overall mood, sex drive, and creative output have never been better. The foundations of health matter, and can only be ignored for so long when they are interfering with your self-esteem, confidence, and sex life.
– Eat well. Eat clean, whole foods, with lots of vegetables regularly. Also, drink more water than you currently do. You’ll sleep better, feel better, and your mind will be in higher functioning order.
– Get consistently good sleep. Does anything that fun really happen after midnight more than once or twice per week? Put down the drink, and go to bed. While some of your friends might tell you that you’re boring and don’t know how to have fun, you’ll be making more money, be in better shape, and have a healthier relationship with your eventual partner or spouse. The hard road leads to the easy life… so take it.
– Groom yourself like an adult. Get haircuts that cost adult money and are given to you by professional stylists (it’s worth it). Tame your facial hair or beard into something that looks intentional. Give a shit about your hair/skin/hygiene. The details always count.
– Do you have a healthy relationship to your sexuality? Not just your gender and orientation, but do you have a healthy relationship to your sexual desires and sexual preferences? In the western world, people’s sexuality is shamed into oblivion from a young age and we as a society still have a lot of growing to do. I highly recommend checking out Supercharge Your Sex Life to get a better relationship with who you are and what you want out of your current or eventual sex life.
Get your financial life sorted out. Regardless of your financial beliefs and relationship to money, it’s difficult to feel like you’re in control of yourself and your life if you financial house isn’t in order.
I have noticed with my male clients especially that their self-esteem seems to be directly linked to their bank account. When they’re up financially, their mood is up. When they feel like they are losing control over they financial lives, they have a more difficult time being present in their relationships.
So do whatever it takes (within local laws) to get more stability over your financial life. If you have excessive money stress on your mind, it’ll be a lot harder for you to be present on your first date with your potential future-spouse.
Are there any gaping holes in one or more relationships that are draining your energy? Either make up with them, cut them out of your life, or forgive them internally.
Any pent up stress or resentment that you have in any of your relationships (especially with exes and your immediate family members) will bleed through into your intimate relationships if you don’t address them.
Brush Up On Communication Skills
Are you unconsciously sabotaging your dating efforts because you’re nervous about not being a good conversationalist on your dates? Check out 5 Questions That Will Give You Depth In Conversation, What To Talk About On A First Date, and read this book.
Step 2 – Get Happy
Like attracts like. If you feel crappy about yourself, you are going to only be able to meet and attract people that feel crappy about themselves too.
I think of emotional fulfillment in the same way that I think about the legs of a table.
If you are the table top, think of each of your unique paths to emotional fulfillment (happiness) as a table leg. If you only have one thing making you happy in your life, then one table leg being removed will make you fall flat on the floor. However, if you have ten or fifteen table legs underneath you, then one of those being removed will barely register on your radar.
So how many table legs do you have holding you up? Are you looking for a relationship partner because you have so few (or zero) table legs that you need to be lifted up or stabilized? Or do you want to add the table leg of a relationship because you already have so much stability with your existing table legs that you want to share the love?
What do they tell you to do on airplanes? They tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first… because otherwise you’re useless to others. The same goes for emotional fulfillment. You can’t be much of a partner unless you are happy on your own first.
If you have nothing making you happy, find something. If you only have hobbies, make some friends. If you only have a friend or two, find some hobbies or local meet up groups that spark your interest. Diversify your pathways to emotional fulfillment and you will attract a more well-rounded relationship into your life.
Hobbies, Interests, and Passions
Figure out what makes you happy and then invest time and energy in those things. They matter and they keep you balanced.
Build A Happy Single Life First
Despite what most Hollywood films would have you believe, desperation is not sexy. The path to finding your ideal partner is paved with being a happy, self-amused independent person who has extra love to give to a partner.
Surround Yourself With Your People
Be around people that make you feel aligned with who you are.
If you spend the majority of your time with people who you feel you need to be a watered-down version of yourself around, then don’t be surprised when you can only seem to meet and attract people that are only half-way your kind of partner.
Step 3 – Exactly How To Find A Relationship Partner That Aligns With You
So you’ve done your ground work and have become a happy version of yourself. Now what?
Follow these three steps to actually meet the person that you could spend the rest of your life with.
Figure Out Your Big Three
People are prone to writing out laundry lists a mile long when you ask them what they’re looking for in a relationship partner. It’s greedy, unrealistic, and usually impossible to find someone who matches every point of criteria on your list.
Figure out the absolute essentials that you need in a partner. See if you can get it down to three things.
My criteria are as follows: someone who is self-aware, someone who has passions outside of our relationship, and someone who embraces my sensitive nature. That’s it. Everything outside of those three things is an awesome bonus.
So what are your three things? Sit down, grab a journal, and really spend some time with this exercise. If you don’t it could mean the difference between a thriving relationship and an impending divorce.
Increase Your Odds
It’s highly unlikely that you’ll meet your “one and only” if you never make an effort to tap into other social circles and the technology that is available to us today.
You are at a completely unique point in history where you can get easy and socially acceptable access to dozens of social circles within your city with just a thimble full of intentionality.
Increase your odds of meeting your truly significant other by searching online, attending local meetings or group events, or going to parties/social gatherings/beach BBQs/etc.
Bottom line: be everywhere!
If you want more ideas you can check out my post on How To Find And Date High Value Women.
Pursue Quality Over Quantity
Along with the ridiculous volume of potential partners that are currently available to you, it’s worth mentioning that it can be fairly overwhelming (and time consuming) to search through thousands of romantic candidates.
To counteract the quantity of potential partners, only go after people that you feel genuinely compelled towards.
Don’t pursue them with an “I should probably go after this one just to keep myself sharp” mindset. You won’t be feeling it, and they will feel you not feeling it. So save yourself time and only pursue partners that truly compel you towards them.
This is especially important when perusing online search matches. If you are on a site like OKCupid that tells you your match percentage and you have the unique opportunity to peer into the interests, hobbies, and lifestyle of the person you’re about to message, take a few minutes to actually see if they intrigue you past their physical appearance. Quality over quantity!
How To Be An Amazing Relationship Partner
Becoming proficient at entering into a relationship is next to useless if you have no ability to maintain the relationship once you’re in it. This would be akin to becoming a master at unlocking a car door when what you actually want is to drive across the country. Yes, unlocking the door is a part of the equation, but it’s the small corrections of the steering wheel that keep you from careening off of the highway while you’re admiring the view (I like metaphors).
Here are the five highest leverage ways to make your newly acquired relationship thrive.
If you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time you know that I believe that praise and appreciation are absolutely essential when it comes to making your relationship thrive.
Tell your partner what you love about their appearance, their personality, their character, and what they bring to your life regularly. Let them know, through your words and your actions, that you love and care for them and that you love that they are a part of your life.
If you aren’t regularly checking in with your partner and clearing the communication channels then your relationship could be suffering because of the neglect.
Have consistent (at least once per week) check-ins where you metaphorically lift up the hood of the car and do the regular maintenance of the small things to reduce the chance of the more challenging issues cropping up, that might need to be hashed out between you. If you don’t, the stuck energy will get in the way of your sex life, your sense of connection, and your relationship in general.
Sexual Presence and Confidence
Once the communication channels are cleared and you’re both feeling heavily loved up with praise, all that’s left to do is to make sweet, sweaty, passionate love. AKA you should be having sex regularly so that you feel physically connected as well.
Don’t be a bystander in your relationship.
Don’t assume that everything will work out on autopilot.
Don’t tell yourself that “They know that I love that thing about them… why should I have to tell them out loud?”
Bottom line: Don’t be lazy in loving.
Courage And Vulnerability
You can be great at loving your partner, but healthy relationships are not a one-way street. You must also become adept at accepting and receiving love.
A huge part of accepting someone else’s love is choosing to courageously be vulnerable within your relationship. You have to let your thoughts and fears be known. You have to let them see you even when you don’t feel like being seen. You have to let them in. You have to let them hold you. You have to give love AND receive it.
This post ended up being a lot longer than I anticipated. But I kind of like it this way.
If this article reads as densely as it seems to, feel free to bookmark it so you can keep coming back to it and treating it like a relationship mastery blueprint. There are some big ideas in here (and a lot of external resources that I have linked to) so feel free to take a lot of time to digest it. Come back to it at different stages throughout your love life and see if there’s any way you can be levelling up how you show up in your intimate relationships.
And if you want even more actionable tips on being a better partner, you can check out my book Keep Her Captivated, Lead Your Relationship To It’s Maximum Potential here.
Dedicated to your success,
Ps. Want some more help entering into your ideal relationship? Check out How To Find Your Ideal Partner here.